I know that feeling

I get nostalgic when I listen to a message that brings me back to the struggles I had before giving my life to Christ. I felt that way yesterday at my School's Campus Fellowship. I want to write about it-the struggles-maybe not a book yet, maybe just an article-because there were things that scrimshanked my progress. Things no one ever really talked about. When I was going through that phase, it felt like everyone had answers; just not the ones I needed. "I didn’t consider myself a sinner. But I couldn’t say I was a believer either. Back then, I’d say I was “only in-between.” Every time I said that, the Bible verse about not being able to serve two masters would pop up in my head. And I would think: “Maybe I’m the first who can.” I know I should get serious with You, but I don’t feel ready for that kind of commitment. I’m not ready to be intentional. There are beliefs I still want to hold onto. There’s a certain way I still want to think. I would say: “I don’t want to sound spiritual all the time.” “I don’t want to look at everything from a spiritual standpoint.” And when I listen to a sermon that touches me, I want to answer the altar call. And in that second of wanting to accept You-here comes the war in my heart. These thoughts that defeat me: “I don't want to promise and fail.” “I don’t want to be caged.” “I’m not ready to be a new creature just yet.” “I want to burn for You, God. But… please wait a little more.” (I know that feeling) MY FRIENDS. They’re far away from You, I know. They know I’m the “churchy” one, the one who looks like I’m carrying You on my head. But I’m still friends with them. I can’t leave them. I don’t want them to change. I like them just the way they are. I have emotional security with them. Would I really leave them to go searching for a new group of friends once I accept You? At the same time, I really want them to change but I don’t want to be the one to do the changing. Could You come and grab them, set them on fire, then bring them back for me? (I’m aware of that feeling) Prayer? Yes, I pray. I pray for things, and I get answers. But when I really think about it, I say: “There was no way those things wouldn’t have come to me either way.” So maybe I just prayed to fulfill all righteousness? How can I say I want You when almost everything I’ve ever needed came to me on a platter of gold? (I know that feeling) “Blessed are they that hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled.” Hunger? Me? Hunger? Maybe I try a little, but hunger? I say “fill me up” during worship. I'll sing of my desire for You. I confess love to You. But the proof of love or desire for something is pursuit. And I’ve never pursued You. Maybe I tried but I wasn't feeling it so I stopped. I stopped too soon? I don't know. But does that mean I don’t desire You? See, I do. Trust me, I really do. But to pursue You? I don’t know how. I don’t think I can. I can pursue good grades, financial security, a person I like. But You? I don’t know. You’re… invisible. Something I can’t really grasp. I know You’re real, but at the same time, it feels like You’re not here. You’re like a concept. Pursuing You feels intangible-something I can't see the end point of-I don't see myself doing it. Please can You come and take me by force? Kidnap me and transform me instantly? I can’t commit to You willingly. (I’ve felt that feeling) I've never actually been broken. Should I pray for something bad to happen to me, so I can finally come to You with “a broken spirit”? Maybe I’m looking for something I can’t name. But I’ll know it when I find it? (That very feeling) There are times I feel that tug. Probably the Holy Spirit saying: “Come back to Me.” And I respond in my heart: “I know I’ll go to Heaven… I know I'll accept You before I die. I'm not sure when. Please wait. I’ll come. I will. Not just yet. Tell me You understand, please.” Then that whisper: “You’re far from Me.” I know. And I also know that if I keep ignoring it, I might stop hearing it one day. So I say: “Please keep tugging. Don’t stop. I will eventually be serious with You, but please… not just yet.” (I know that feeling) Ah yes, Your second coming. When I hear “If Christ comes now, will you be raptured?” I start crying because I know the answer is "no". And instead of accepting You, I'll stay up for many nights, silently praying: “Please don’t let me die in my sleep as a way to punish me." I'm always asking for mercy before going to bed, in case You come while I’m asleep. I imagine waking up one day, being the only one left in the house because my family was raptured the night before. I’ve had dreams of car crashes and I remember asking for mercy just before the crash. You’re merciful, aren't You? Even if I asked for mercy two seconds before death, I'll go to Heaven, wouldn't I? Is that taking You for granted? (I’ve felt that feeling) BACK TO THE BEGINNING. I want to expatiate on this and share what really changed me. Because these were things I desperately needed answers for, but no one ever really addressed them. I was always looking for something. I knew I was. I didn't just know what it was. Till I found it 🍃 If I ever found exact answers to all those things I was unsure of? I don't know, but as I grew in knowledge of You by association with certain people, those thoughts stopped bothering me. I overcame? Yes. And if there’s someone out there in my old shoes, I have a burden to help them step down from that fence. Because I know what it feels like to be at the edge of Salvation’s pool and be too scared to dive in.